survivors of suicide loss

Dragonfly sitting on a branch over a blue background

We are sorry about the death of your friend or family member. The shock and pain experienced by friends and family following the suicide of a loved one can seem almost unbearable. It is important for you to know that you are not alone. Nationally, suicide is the second leading cause of death for young adults aged 24-34. Over 50,000 individuals in the United States take their own life each year (confirmed suicide deaths). Cumulatively, this amounts to hundreds of thousands of individuals who have experienced firsthand what you are going through right now.

When an individual takes his or her own life, the people they leave behind are often referred to as survivors of suicide loss. Survivors may be family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, clinicians, first responders, community members or anyone else impacted by a suicide death. Each individual situation is different.

The days and weeks immediately following a suicide are often the most difficult. Our hope is that you will use these resources to guide you through some of the difficult days ahead.

Grieving Process for Survivors of Suicide – Coping with Suicide Loss Grief

The grieving process for the family and friends (survivors) of someone who dies by suicide is complex and complicated. As with any sudden death, it is completely unexpected and there is not time to say goodbye. The fact that the individual took their own life increases the range of emotion and the intensity of the grieving process. Most people initially feel shock and numbness, which is part of the grieving process. It is important to recognize that grieving is a very individual process and different people grieve in different ways and at different times. Religious and cultural beliefs may also impact the grieving process.

While the grief and loss may be most intense immediately following the death, it should be expected that the grieving process will continue for an extended period of time. Combined with stigma and the secrecy typically associated with suicide, the physical and emotional toll it can take on a survivor is enormous. The grief process for a survivor of a suicide is measured in months and years rather than days and weeks. A few other key points to remember are:

  • Be non-judgmental and gentle with each other. We all grieve in different ways.
  • Don’t blame anyone (including yourself) for the individual’s death.
  • The grieving process takes months and years (not days and weeks).
  • Severe grief can sometimes cause depression. Check with your doctor or primary care provider if the severity of the grief/depression lingers.
  • Accept the help and support of family and friends. Ask for help if you are having difficulty coping.
  • Be your brother/sister’s keeper and watch out for who is not doing well and who may need additional support (make sure they get it).
  • Take any threat of suicide (even joking statements or comments like “I wish I were dead”) seriously and get the person help (see Warning Signs for more information).
  • If you are having thoughts of harming or killing yourself, tell someone and ask for help.
  • Do not memorialize the person by only talking about all the positive things about them without also acknowledging that they were ill or made a very painful decision in taking their own life.
  • Anticipate birthdays, holidays and anniversary dates and realize these will be times when you can benefit from extra supports.

Grief Support After Sudden Traumatic Loss
Helping Loss Survivors in their Grief Journey

Writing An Obituary After Suicide Loss

After a suicide death, one of the first big decisions a family will make is what to include in an obituary. Historically, suicide was never mentioned as the cause of death in an obituary (unless it was a very public person). More recently, some families have chosen to mention that the person died by suicide. In some situations, the cause and manner of death may take weeks to be officially determined and the family may not have this information. The decision whether or not to disclose the information in an obituary is a personal one that each family will make on their own. Cultural and religious beliefs may impact the decision that the family makes.

If the family chooses not to disclose the death as a suicide:

Avoid using euphemisms such as “died after a brief illness” or “died as a result of an accident.” Making no statement about the cause of death is better than stating something misleading. Be aware that if the cause and manner of death have been determined by the Medical Examiner they are a matter of public record and can be accessed by media or others who request the death certificate. Not openly disclosing the cause of death sometimes forces friends and family to “pretend” the death was not a suicide when it may be obvious (or known) to others involved. Families who choose not to disclose the death as a suicide isolate themselves from the support of other people who have survived the suicide of a loved one.

Stating outright that the individual died by suicide will do the following:

  • Immediately end all the rumors and innuendo that often accompany an untimely death – especially the death of a teen or young adult;
  • Allow friends and families who are also suicide survivors to come forward and provide support from their own personal experience;
  • Allow mental health counselors and others to begin postvention activities that may help prevent suicide contagion/reduce the possibility of future suicides;
  • Assist in reducing the stigma associated with suicide.

Some obituaries reflect on the person’s struggles with mental illness with statements such as “She died after a courageous battle with depression”

If disclosing privately to other individuals that the death was a suicide, it is OK to mention how (e.g. used a gun, hanging), but state it simply and avoid providing specific/graphic details.

The family may wish to establish a memorial fund for donations which can be used to offset the costs of the funeral services. Whether the family chooses to disclose that the death was by suicide or not, the family may wish to identify a mental health organization or suicide prevention organization as a recipient of any donations.

Making Funeral Arrangements

Most families are totally unprepared emotionally, as well as financially to bury one of their members. When it is the death of a young person, many families feel pressured to “do the right thing” by providing a full funeral service even when they have no ability to afford the expense involved. Trying to make these decisions when you are in intense shock and grief is obviously extremely difficult.

Ask a trusted friend or relative to accompany you when you must make these decisions. Talk with your clergy or funeral director about all the different options available to you. Be aware that there are lower cost alternatives such as cremation or using a personal container rather than a coffin. One option may be to establish a “memorial fund” for the individual. Donations can then be used to offset the costs of the funeral. Remember that friends and family are there to support you in your decisions, not judge you. Do what works best for you and your family.

Memorial Services

In the aftermath of a suicide, one of the most challenging aspects for families, survivors, schools, and communities is planning a memorial service for the deceased. The memorial service can be a highly emotional event that has the potential for either increasing or decreasing the possibility of suicide contagion. Suicide contagion can occur when events (such as memorial services and media coverage) glorify the life or sensationalize the death of the individual. This increases the risk factors for youth who are depressed, troubled, or at increased risk for suicide.

Media reports and memorial services are two of the biggest factors that contribute to suicide contagion. It is a human tendency to overstate the positive qualities of the deceased while at the same time minimizing or even ignoring less positive attributes, particularly their decision to take their own life. Yet this inclination can increase the risk level of suicide for survivors by glorifying the life and death of the deceased. There may be a number of different viewpoints about what type of services or memorial to have. How to respect the wishes of grieving and emotional family, friends, or others while balancing the need to reduce possible contagion can be a very difficult task.

The National Safe Messaging Guidelines provide best practices on how to communicate about suicide safely

For more information on Connect protocols for memorial services, please contact us directly.

Compassionate Friends – provides mutual support for parents who have experienced the death of a child (by any means). Their website offers information about grieving, local chapters/support groups and other links. 1(877) 969-0010

Victims Inc. – provides individuals who are specially trained to assist survivors of a sudden and traumatic death. They are sometimes able to provide immediate in-home support (especially in the Rochester/Seacoast area) to families dealing with the suicide of a loved one.  They also sponsor a weekend overnight grief camp for children ages 6-15 in Rochester called Camp Purple Parachute. (603) 335-7777

Concord Regional Visiting Nurses Association provide grief support and education groups for adults who have had a recent loss. The groups are free, but are limited to 12 participants and require pre-registration.

GRASP (Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing) – offers groups, resources, and mailing lists for individuals who have lost someone to substance use or addiction.

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) – offers compassionate care to all individuals grieving the loss of a military loved one.

NAMI New Hampshire ~ Information and Resource Line (800) 242-6264 or (603) 225-5359.

How to Talk to Childen and Youth
The US Department of Veteran Affairs has developed a series of fact sheets on how to talk to children and youth in different age groups about a suicide attempt in your family. These facts sheets are available below.

Resources for a Suicide in the Workplace

A Manager’s Guide to Suicide Postvention in the Workplace from the American Association of Suicidology and the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention.

Internet Support Groups for Suicide Loss

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention ~ Online support group listing

Internet Resources

NAMI New Hampshire does not endorse, warrant, guarantee or represent the information or views of other organizations and/or websites linked above.

The NH Survivor Resource Packet is provided to the next-of-kin of all people who die by suicide in New Hampshire through the Office of the Medical Examiner. This program was developed through a collaborative effort of the Office of the Medical Examiner, NH Survivors, NAMI NH, and the Bureau of Behavioral Health. Please click on the links below to access the various documents included in the resource packet.

 

The New Hampshire Survivors of Suicide Loss Newsletter features survivor news, resources, survivor advocacy highlights, and articles or poetry written by survivors of suicide loss.

The NAMI NH calendar of events often includes events that may be of interest to survivors of suicide loss. This includes walks to build awareness for mental health and suicide prevention, events hosted by local survivors of suicide loss, and NAMI NH speaker programs such as SurvivorVoices: sharing the story of suicide loss, In Our Own Voice, and Life Interrupted.

Support Groups

Many individuals find that attending a support group can be helpful as they cope with their loss. Determining when you might be ready to attend a support group is a very personal decision. Contacting a support group leader may help you with this decision because they can explain how the group is run, and whether that group would be appropriate for you. NAMI NH maintains a listing of survivor of suicide loss support groups that are conducted in NH.

For people who have witnessed a suicide death

There is the time-worn adage, “a witness to violence is a victim of violence.” Suicide is a form of self-inflicted violence and witnessing a suicide or finding someone after they have died, whether you know the person or not, can be very traumatic. You may have intense feelings and reactions-this is a normal response to an abnormal event.
People who have lost a loved one to suicide are typically referred to as “suicide loss survivors” or “survivors of suicide loss.” People who have witnessed a suicide death, have come upon the deceased’s body after the fact, or have heard or read graphic details regarding the death are called “witness survivors.”

Reactions to witnessing a suicide death may include but are not limited to:

shock, numbness, detachment, sudden onset of physical symptoms change in appetite or substance use difficulty sleeping/nightmares flashbacks/intrusive thoughts preoccupation and distraction

depression and/or suicidal thoughts confusion, irritability, guilt hyper-vigilance or anxiety isolating or compulsive behaviors avoidance of the area time feels distorted

Printable resource card for people who have witnessed a suicide death

Do you or someone you care about need help?

There is no “right” or “wrong” way to react to a trauma. While not everyone experiences symptoms, some people have symptoms that rise to the level of depression, intense anxiety, or Post Traumatic Stress. If symptoms interfere with daily functioning, you may want to seek help for yourself or for someone you are concerned about. Help is available.

Resources

Mental Health Counselor: Request a trauma bereavement specialist at a private or community mental health center. A listing of NH Community Mental Health Centers can be found here.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Call or text 988 for 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. (Chat option is also available at 988lifeline.org).

Crisis Text Line – Free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text 741741 from anywhere in the US to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.

Friends for Survival: 1-800-646-7322, leave message.

Victims Inc.: 603-335-7777 (NH Witness Survivors)

Please visit the Crisis Lines page for additional telephone numbers and helping supports and resources. If you are suicidal or concerned about someone who you think may be suicidal dial 911.

“Witnessing a suicide, or discovering the body, whether it be a loved one or a stranger, leaves a picture in your mind that dims very slowly and never fully disappears. It is important to talk about what you have seen in the early days (with a qualified professional) when the impact is strong. The experience may be life changing.” Pat Rainboth, Victim’s Inc., NH

Development of resources for Witness Survivors in NH is a collaborative effort comprised of members from the NH witness survivor community, NAMI NH, the NH Bureau of Behavioral Health, and Victim’s Inc. The full article, “New Approaches To Helping The Witness To A Suicide: The Suicide Witness Survivor Outreach Program of NAMI New Hampshire”, can be found here.

Resources for NH First Responders, Mental Health Counselors, and Media – if you are in a position to provide Resource information to NH witness survivors and would like a supply of free wallet cards with information for witness survivors, please contact info@naminh.org. Media is encouraged to post resource information whenever reporting on suicide.